The "Tatman and CockRobin" Script

Establishing shot of "Tatman Manor"

Change sequence: Tatman changes into his costume in an extended sequence.

Cut to the hero, who sits down before his computer and begins typing (yes, even with gloves on). A familiar voice greets the viewer:

V.O.: You've got mail!

TM: Junk mail, you mean. Let's see. What fresh manure awaits me today?

On the monitor, a montage of solicitations flash by, with key phrases like "donkey sex" and "anti-spam software" highlighted with close-ups.

TM: Oh, this one is dead-on. Am I tired of being 90 pounds overweight? Well, who isn't? Okay. Psychics. A pyramid scam. Fat, ugly, hairy guys getting naked on the Web. Yeeecccch. Wait a minute. What is this, and who is that?

TM leans in intently to examine a shot of a lovely masseuse, who is actually his old nemesis, Katarina, minus her catwoman-like costume--she wears a sexy robe instead. Superimposed over her is the offer of a "Free All-Over Body Massage" by a "Mistress Jade."

BM: My, what an enterprising young entrepreneuress. Always good to find a woman-owned local business thriving in our time. Perhaps I should take her up on her oh-so-apropos invitation. These tawny yet tired muscles could use a woman's touch. Especially when the woman in question is so very...beauteous.

Cut to closeup profile shot of Kat in her Mistress Jade guise. She is talking directly to a hammy publicity still of TM (signed "Be Good, You Fiend!").

K: Soon you will be mine forever, dear detective. You will no doubt find your heroic way to my massage parlor, and once you've stepped into my parlor...well, you know the rest. To think that only a woman could be your undoing. That's right. A woman, TatMan. I'll woo you, and then do you, only to undo you so I can ultimately (makes slurping noise) you. And with you as my caped captive, dear boy, it won't be long before I collect your meddling sidekick, too!

Kat clicks her claws together like knitting needles and meows, then turns her head in response to the sound of bells (like the ones that hang in the doorway of a doctor's waiting room).

K: Speaking of dynamic dum dums...!

Kat peers around a curtain or door and sees that TatMan has indeed entered her lair.

K: (To the camera) What a tasty switch--the cat...slipping the bell around the neck of the rodent!

TM waits beside a massage table near the door, looking about expectantly. Kat enters.

K: Ah. I'll bet you're here for your complimentary All-Over Body Massage. And what a pleasure it will be to perform it. On a world-famous crimefighter, no less...

TM: I must admit that it does sound enticing. Have we met, madam? You look familiar.

K: Perhaps in another lifetime. I've had several, you know. Actually, I'm new in town and just setting up shop. In fact, you will be my first...customer.

TM: Always happy to patronize a local businesswoman.

K: But enough shop talk. Why don't you disrobe now, so that I can better service those aching muscles.

TM: I'm afraid I can't do that, because, as a beloved and renowned superhero, I must do everything possible to preserve my secret identity. But rest assured, my tunic, tights, gauntlets, trunks and boots are quite permeable.

K: Oh yes, of course. I'm sorry. Well, make yourself comfortable, and I'll be right back. I have to get some [thinking to herself for a moment] oil.

TM: I can take off my cape.

K: Good. Do that. I'll be back in a sec.

The hero surveys the room and finally mounts the massage table. Kat returns in full costume. The hero is startled, but remains clumsily sprawled on the table for the moment.

TM: Katarina! You duplicitous vixen! You were supposed to be in the state pen for at least another year. (Slams fist into palm) Damn that Commissioner Gorgon and his revolving door justice system! And just what have you done with the proprietoress of this establishment and just how did you do it?!

K: [beat] Uh huh. Nice to see you, too, hon. Now don't you get your panties in an uproar, TatMan; just relax and listen. I've been planning this moment, along with my escape from prison, for far too long, and I'd kind of like to enjoy it.

TM: I'll relax after you've told me what you've done with Mistress Jade.

K: Your masseuse is under wraps for the moment, sweetie. But don't worry. She's in good paws. [purrs or meows]

Kat grabs a closet's doorknob.

K: Now let's see who's behind door number two!

Kat motions to an open closet door, which reveals the beautiful CockRobin, tied to a pole and swooning, within a cellophane cocoon.

K: It looks like we have here one princess who'll serve nicely as a pawn! That's unbreakable and unbreathable plastic, baby!

TM: What is the meaning of this, you hateful hussy?

K: Your succulent sidekick is running out of air, crusader. But if you allow me to have my way with you, I'll let her live. If not, it'll be curtains for one special dominated damsel.

TM: I'll do anything you want. But only if you spare CockRobin's noble life.

K: (Getting pretty close to the hero, and raising her claws to his chest) Anything? I like the sound of that. Of course I'll have to tie you down first.

TM: Of course. Do with me as you will.

K: Lay down, babe.

Kat ties him to the table in an extended sequence.

K: Comfy?

TM: Hardly. Now. Just what are you planning to do to me, you fiend?

K: I've a very special treat for you today, TatMan. I call it Kat-Juice. This may tickle a little.

Kat dips her talons into a specially marked jar of Kat Juice, and runs thems all over our hero's lower body. She then works her Freddy Krueger fingertips along his nipples and neckline, as he visibly weakens.

TM: Unnnh. Getting woozy. If I can just stay focused. Mustn't succumb. Just what kind of poison have you injected me with, you diabolical vixen?

K: My Kat Juice is a very special formula indeed, sweet toy. It's one part sodium pentathol, one part paralyzing agent, and one part aphrodisiac. That's three parts too many for a human body. Even for a body like yours, TatMan. Meoowrrr.

TM: Unnh. Now what about your end of the deal, you grinning minx? Or is there no longer any honor among thieves?

K: Oh yeah. The suffocating sidekick.

Kat claps her mitts together (as if to trigger "the clapper"). The heroine and the cellophane disappear, magically.

K: She was a hologram all along, duped dum dum. Now it's time for some yum yum. If you know what I mean.

Kat slaps him here and there, as if to make fun of his helplessness, clearly enjoying having the upper paw, like a cat who's cornered a mouse.

K: If memory serves, you came here for an all-over body massage, and now you're going to get it!

Kat pulls out a car buffer and runs it all over the hero's prone body. Holy truth in advertising!

K: I'll bet this is driving you right out of your mind, isn't it? Don't lie and say you don't like it. The truth serum in your system won't allow that. Admit it, my neatly trussed package. Isn't this making you a little...hot?

TM: You do seem to have a way with a random orbiting industrial pulsating polisher. Unnhh! It's like being groped by a hundred eager hands! Licked by a thousand titillating tongues!

Kat drills him right in the crotch during an extended sequence, making TatMan's whole body convulse.

K: Oh yes. That's the aphrodisiac, doing its job. Soon you will be my brainwashed slave. And then you will be mine forever, TatMan, to do with as I wish.

TM: Never!

K: Oh, is that the way you feel? Then I'm afraid I have no choice but to keep this up until I break you down. Relax, caped captive. Oh sure, you're strong, but these ropes are stronger, and I've got nothing better to do all day than caress your body until it melts like butter!

Kat continues to work over the hero, who passes out after an extended torture sequence.

K: Oh. How delicious. My little rubdown has proved too much for the macho super-dude. Now to slip you into something a little more comfortable.

Kat unties the hero and rolls him onto his stomach, and notices a device strapped to the back of his utility belt.

K: (Pushing a button) I bet I know who's waiting on the other end of this!

Cut to establishing shot of a beach. The camera pulls back to reveal the shoreline and dunes and finally the heroine, in a bathing suit, who's sunbathing. A beeping noise emanates from her device (which matches TatMan's), and she looks at it, disdainfully, like "I was just getting comfortable."

CR: I never get a day off!

The heroine leaps from a high dune, and we dissolve back to Kat's lair. The hero is now manacled to her wall, in the shape of an X. He wears a suit supplied by Kat--a black one like her own.

K: I hope you don't mind my having dressed you up, dare-doll. I think this look is more you, and definitely more me. If you're going to be my slave forever and ever, honeybuns, you'll have to suit my color scheme.

TM: And just what might your ultimate scheme be, you felonious feline?

K: I contacted your silly little sidekick while you slept, TatMan. It will be my great pleasure to pleasure her the way I did you. But first, crimefighters should be seen and...appreciated...but not heard. (She slaps a piece of tape over his mouth.) Before I go, I've got something to keep you humming in my absence.

Kat produces a hose from a box (neatly labelled "BloJo2000") at the base of the wall, and it is then fed into the front of his trunks. He struggles while she sips from a drink with a straw. Very noisily, of course.

K: I'm going to leave you at the mercy of my insatiable BloJo2000, which will dumb you down nicely, helpless hunk. True, to make you my slave I'll have to melt your mind and rob your body of its vital juices. But with a physique like yours, one can't have one's cake and, uh, eat it, too.

Kat gives one last satisfied suck on the straw and exits.

Extended shots of the hero struggling. The end of the sequence is cued by the sound of bells.

Cut to CockRobin standing beside the massage table. Kat enters in her masseuse disguise.

K: Hello. I'll bet you're here for a taste of my All-Over Body Massage. It can do wonders for a superhero's tired muscles.

CR: Well, why not? I'll have to keep my costume on, though.

K: Of course.

CR: I have to protect my secret identity. Don't worry. [girltalk] It's quite slinky. Sometimes when I'm wearing it I feel like I'm naked. The guys go insane, too, if you know what I mean.

K: Oh yes, yes. Now, if you would be so kind as to lie on this table, my magic fingers will get right to work kneading your cares away.

The heroine mounts the massage table, with her face buried somewhat in a towel, which acts a face pillow. The camera lovingly regards her body. Kat begins the massage.

CR: Be gentle, but not too gentle, if you know what I mean. My glutes are pretty sore. I rode my cycle over here.

K: Relax. That's always the first step.

CR: I don't suppose you've recently seen a man dressed very colorfully, like myself? My [thinks a moment] boyfriend said he might stop by here. Ummm. I feel woozy, all over.

K: That's just my seven-herbs-and-spices treatment doing its thing, dear. It's an ancient Egyptian secret. No, I haven't seen anyone out of the ordinary lately.

CR: Uhhh. Falling asleep.

K: Comfortable?

CR: Moannn.

K: Now that you're helpless, allow me to reveal one of the tricks of my trade. To gain complete intimacy with my victims, er, ah, clients, I always soak their facial towels with my special Kat Juice. And that's why you feel as you do, CockRobin. Yes, I know who you are. And now that I've overpowered you with my Kat Juice, you cannot tell a lie. So give it up!

CR: No! Never!

K: Oh yes. Start by telling me why you're really here. Is it that boyfriend?

CR: I'm looking for my partner in crimefighting. He paged me with his SOS beeper.

K: I sent out that signal. And I know where your partner is, too.

CR: What have you done with him, you villainess?

K: You'll find out soon enough, dear girl. Very soon indeed, because you're going to join him!

CockRobin raises her head, and then slowly loses consciousness.

K: Going, going, gone!

The heroine succumbs to sleep, her head thumping into the towel.

Titlecard: "Moments later"

Fade in on the heroes, tied back to back and straddling a piano stool, as two clubs stand poised before their groins, ready to strike!

K: (Prodding and lashing them with her riding crop) Wake up, little birdies!

The heroes notice and then fight their bonds as they slowly come to.

TM: Wha--what happened to us?

K: Let's just say you were overpowered again.

CR: What is this thing?

K: You may recognize this as a variation on the Chinese Water Torture. Except that the Chinese Water Torture concentrates on conquering one's mind. And this. This one hits below the belt. Meow.

CR: And what catchy name have you given this infernal contraption, Katarina? You always have some catchy name for your stupid contraptions.

K: It's a Siamoan Bonk Bonk machine, crusaders. Spring-loaded and self-cocking. Every action demands an equal and opposite reaction. Once set in motion, it keeps going and going and going and going and...you get the idea. After a day of such torture, the mind tends to go blank, and the erotic impulse takes over. After that--you'll be my slaves forever. You've both had it coming for so long. You might even call it tit for tat, TatMan.

TM: You'll never succeed with your fiendish scheme, you kinky vixen!

K: We'll see about that. For now, I must depart. Give you some time to tenderize properly.

CR: Holy Tenderloins!

K: But I'll be back in a day or two. When you're ready. [beat] Keep on fighting the good fight, masked meatballs. Not that it will do you any good.

CR: Oh my goodness.

K: Yes, CockRobin. Your goodness. Your sweet, delicious goodness. Ciao!

Kat triggers the device by pulling one club back and letting it spring forward, tapping TatMan right on his silken crotch! The hammers begin bonking the heroes, mercilessly.

Narrator (V.O.): Hang on, old chums! Can there be any way out of this? Things don't look good for our masked heroes. Will Katarina succeed in brainwashing them into servitude? Be here tomorrow, same bonk-time, same bonk-channel!

Commercial insert (URL, Email address)

Narrator: When last we saw our heroes, they were under the relentless spell of the Siamoan Bonk Bonk Machine, with their bodies being tenderized to submissive perfection. Things don't look any cheerier! Good gosh! Can TatMan and CockRobin withstand the punishing punches of the pounding pins? Or will they lose their coolheaded convictions because of Katarina's kinky contraption? Hold on! This could be coming to a climax any second now!

The heroes struggle for quite some time, with plenty of lurid close-ups detailing the action.

CR: I've about had it, TatMan. Isn't there any way out of this?

TM: At this moment, frankly, no. I don't think I...wait a minute! There is one chance...

CR: What's that?

TM: We can maintain our sanity if we just focus on something other than the perpetual motion of this diabolical device.

CR: Like what?

TM: Anything! Use your imagination. Think of something...innocent.

CR: Okay. How about...a picnic on a summer day.

TM: Sure. Good one, CockRobin. Think of something All-American at that picnic. Like ice cream.

CR: Oh, I love ice cream.

TM: We all do. Let's say that you're licking a scoop of chocolate on a hot day.

CR: Can we make it vanilla? I love vanilla.

TM: Vanilla it is. Where was I? The sun is hot, but you don't care, because you've a nice cold ice cream cone in your hands.

CR: Ohhhh. I can almost taste it.

TM: The cold makes your lips tighten, as your tongue swirls around its coolness, forming it into any shape you desire. You are its master.

CR: I think I'd like a hot dog with that ice cream cone.

TM: Anything your taste buds desire.

CR: I can feel it in my mouth right now.

TM: I can feel it in your mouth right now, too.

CR: Uh huh. Y'know, I'm not sure that this is...cooling me down any. How is this supposed to help again?

TM: Just concentrate on images from a purer time. And let's continue to work on breaking free of these fiendish bonds.

They struggle as the camera dissolves to a titlecard: "Several Hours Later." It dissolves back to our heroes, who look like zombies by now, but are still holding on.

TM: CockRobin! Do you hear me?

CR: TatMan, I don't think I can hold on much longer.

TM: I know. But there's hope. I think I see a way out of this.

CR: This thing is making me crazy, TatMan. Please hurry.

TM: Katarina is much better at dreaming up torture devices than building them.

CR: How so?

TM: I think I can cut myself free using the sharp edges of this relentless armature. This may take a moment.

CR: Hurry, TatMan. Please hurry!

TM: (throwing off ropes triumphantly) There! Now to untie you, old chum.

They stand and rub themselves to get the circulation going again.

CR: I thought I was going to lose control for a minute there, TatMan.

TM: You bravely withstood a depraved torture, CockRobin. Now to track down a kitten with claws...

Kat enters.

K: Are you talking about me, TatMan?

TM: Indeed. It would appear your Siamoan Bonk Bonk Machine could use an overhaul, hateful harlot. As you can see, our bodies are ready for action--but only in the name of justice!

K: Are you saying you're not fit for a life of crime? We'll see what my Kat-Brain-Scrambling Ray can do about that!

TM: We are well-prepared for any such attack, foolish girl. Like all professional crimefighters, we're wearing our anti-evil undergarments.

CockRobin runs her hands over herself, and realizes she's not wearing the special underwear. A look of mortification sweeps her face.

K: Are you sure you're wearing your special undies today, TatMan?

TM: We always wear them, even though they itch like wool and cause rashes on occasion. Go ahead and hit us with your best shot.

The heroes assume haughty battle stance, Kat triggers the device, and CockRobin's brain turns to evil thoughts, while TatMan, oblivious, delivers a pompous lecture.

TM: As you can see, Katarina, you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to get up before we do. Y'know, it's a funny thing. The path of true villainy can be very seductive, and yet the very nature of seduction can seduce those who would be the seducers. I don't mean to wax platitudinous, but sometimes a platitude is just the thing to rectify an attitude, even a criminal one. To put it more succinctly, in deference to you, Katarina, as you'll soon be on your way to the state pen...

As he gives this speech, CockRobin moves to Kat's side.

CR: (producing a dartgun) Shall I handle this?

K: Be my guest. Oh, uh, TatMan?

TM: (looking over) Hunh? CockRobin, why are you...?

Nailed by the dart right in the nipple, TatMan is stymied.

K: Sorry to cut off such a scintillating speech, but this is business. Tie him up, CockRobin.

The ladies grab the off-guard hero, and tie him roughly to a pole.

K: Villainy is very seductive, isn't it, kitten?

CR: What are we going to do to him, boss?

K: Something that he most fears. (Speaking to the hero) You may have proved too much of a man for my Siamoan Bonk Bonk Machine, crusader, but how effective will you be without your secret identity?

TM: And just what is that supposed to mean?

K: I mean that to strip you of your mask before a live audience would be the very best revenge.

TM: You wily wench! You are truly nefarious. I'll do anything you want me to--anything--but please don't remove my mask. Please! I'm begging you!

K: See that camera? (Insert of a Quickcam on a tripod) It's feeding directly into the Internet. Thousands of cybergeeks are watching even now, as we speak. They'll bear a very vocal witness to your secret identity. In a matter of moments, they'll be e-mailing each other with shots of your face--minus that mask! Have you anything to say before we strip you, dear?

TM: Only this, Katarina! You are...not...a very nice person!

K: Yeeeshh. Spoken like a true drip. Now for the piece de resistance. To expose you to the world, helpless hunk!

CR: You know, Kat, I think we should allow him a few moments to contemplate his fate. It will make for the most wonderful sort of suspense. I saw something just like this on t.v., once.

K: Oh, so you're calling the shots now, huh?

CR: Why not? I'm perfectly capable. Now stand aside.

K: You're giving me orders, private?

CR: (Motioning) I said, "Stand aside!"

K: I think a little catfight is in order here, little girl, just to remind you who's in charge.

The ladies raise their fists in anticipation.

CR: You want a piece of me? Take it!

In an extended sequence, they wrestle each other, while TM struggles. He eventually slips free and activates a switch neatly labelled "Net," which does indeed drop a net from the ceiling. The ladies find themselves wrapped in the net like two salmon.

CR: It's like being stuck in a cocoon!

K: I should have bought a cheaper net!

TM: Struggle as much as you like. That's part of the fun!

We cut to the sight of TM standing before both women, who are tied to the pole, vulnerable to whatever his plan might be.

TM: ...and so I very cleverly only pretended to be sane, Katarina. In actuality, your wonderful Siamoan Bonk Bonk Machine forced me to see the light. So now you know. And now you're going to get a taste of what you've given me. Prepare to be pleasured beyond your wildest imaginations, ladies. Revenge! Oh, such sweet juice!

CR: Can this be true, Katarina? Can someone so square really be about to do us in the kinkiest ways imaginable?

K (to CR): I'm afraid so, partner. I think he's gone...batty!

Closeup of TatMan's face, with a silly grin and genuinely disturbed look.

Dissolve to titlecard: "To be continued...!?!"

End credits superimposed over outtakes.

Back to the DynaHunk Home Page