TATMAN 2
Opening credits
Establishing shot of an office building, w/ title: "Gottem City Hall"
Commissioner Godown reclines at desk, reading Bryan J.L. Glass's "Black Spandex." Godown slams down the magazine in frustrated disgust and answers the phone
G: Yes?
Voiceover: Commissioner, Cleopatra's escaped!
G: Damn that revolving door justice system! Well, I'll just have to signal Tatman. Luckily, I have his number on speed dial . . .
Cut to Tatman, on toilet. He reads a superhero pin-up magazine featuring himself on the cover. An offscreen signal interrupts his solitude and he rises to leave. We see toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his boot heel
Cut to Cock Robin, in a supermarket. She suggestively fondles a cucumber until the same signal beckons her. She is similarly perturbed at being interrupted
Cut to that very same establishing shot of Gottem City Hall (our nod to Batman '66)
Cut once again to Commissioner Godown, checking her lipstick. The intercom declares
V.O.: Commissioner, Tatman's here
G: Oh, well, send him right in
Tatman enters
G: Tatman! But where's Cock Robin?
T: Well, she'll be along momentarily, Commissioner Godown, but tell me, was there a specific emergency for which you summoned me here today?
G: (sitting on the edge of her desk to be closer to Tatman) Oh, Tatman, I'd like to think, as new commisioner, that, you know, you and I could get together for reasons other than the performance of our duties as public protectors
T: Well, I never mix business and pleasure, but tell me, what sort of name is "Godown"? Is that French?
G: It's Swiss, actually. It's . . . oh, whoopsie!
She "accidentally" drops her pencil on the floor before Tatman, and stoops to retrieve it
G: But like the French, the Swiss have very liberal views on (her gaze rests on his crotch) sex
T: Well, yes, I've heard that about the Swiss, Commisioner Godown, and also that they make a, a very fine steak. So, hmmm, what's your favorite color?
G: Well, I have two, actually: black and blue. Which are two colors that you seem to favor, Tatman
Cock Robin: (offscreen) Sorry I'm late. The checkout line was murder
Cock Robin enters the frame
G: Oh, God, I knew it couldn't last
C.R.: Excuse me, commisioner? I didn't quite catch that
G: Oh, I said, "Cock Robin, at last!" Anyway, I was just telling Tatman that, unfortunately, Cleopatra has escaped
C.R.: Damn this revolving door justice system!
T: Now, Cock Robin! We musn't let ourselves be dissuaded for our cause is just and noble. Remember, as crimefighters we are sworn to never rest until the last criminal is behind bars. Even though it may seem we'll never rid the world of all wrongdoers, Cock Robin, we must push on. Besides, without villainy and evil to fight, we'd have no excuse to run around in this skintight superhero spandex
G: Well, as much as I would love to hear about your tights and spandex, Tatman, sorry to report that it might be even worse. We've just learned that there's been a break-in at Gottem City's Egyptian museum and the curator--Dr. Sarcophagus?--well, he's missing, along with some ancient herbs and some Egyptian scrolls. Do you think maybe Cleopatra is involved?
T: Cleopatra . . . Dr. Sarcophagus . . . the Egyptian museum. . . . These all add up to a very foul, foul equation, Cock Robin. Hmmm, I suppose, no, yes, anything's possible! Come on, Cock Robin! Back to the Egyptian museum and let's get onto Cleopatra's tail!
G: Tatman! If I were a criminal, I'd want you on my tail!
T: Well, ladies, er, crimefightresses . . . I'm sorry . . . the Tatmobile is double parked, so I must adieu. Adieu
Tatman leaves and Godown enjoys the rear view. Cock Robin leans in to interrupt it
C.R.: Excuse me, Commissioner? How exactly did Cleopatra escape?
G: Oh, some rookie took pity on her and wiped away her treacherous tears. He didn't realize that the tears of an Egyptian princess are a powerful aphrodisiac. The fool!
Cut to an establishing shot w/ title: "Gottem City Egyptian Museum"
Tatman and Cock Robin search the grounds
C.R.: You know, if the Commissioner would spend more time doing her job instead of drooling over you, there'd be a lot more criminals behind bars, and they'd stay behind bars
T: Well, you know, Cock Robin, you can't blame the Commissioner for all of society's ills. She faces overwhelming odds, as do all of us in fighting crime in this neverending battle against evil
C.R.: I don't know. She practically raped you in the office. I think she's got the hots for ya
T: Now, now, now, Cock Robin! Commissioner Godown is a complete professional. She was merely trying to foster camaraderie under a stressful situation. She is just as interested as we are in solving this case, not simply in bedding me, if that's what you're trying to imply with your innuendo. Now can we please just search these grounds?
Tatman and Cock Robin find a scarab on the ground and pick it up
T: Where the Golden Scarab can be found, Cleopatra's not far behind
C.R.: Tatman?
T: Yeah?
C.R.: I have a sinking feeling about this
They begin to slowly sink into the earth
T: Quicksand! We're sinking fast! We're being sucked under--sucked just as a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl sucks down a milkshake! Don't move, Cock Robin! It'll only make us sink that much more quickly!
C.R.: Tatman! Try the Tatgrabber!
T: Good idea!
He pulls the Tatgrabber (a boomerang) from the back of his utility belt and takes aim
T: All right, I've only got one shot! If I can just snare it around that tree!
C.R.: Tatman!
T: Don't talk! You're going to throw me off! Here we go!
He lets fly, only to discover that Cock Robin was trying to give him an extension cable. The Tatgrabber has been tossed in vain
T: I could have really used that! Now it's of no use to me whatsoever! That was our only chance! That's it! We're dead! Ahh. Let's go down with dignity
They disappear beneath the surface and we cut to Cleopatra's hideout w/ title: "At that very moment"
From her throne, Cleo accepts, as seeming supplication, scrolls--from a bowing and scraping Dr. Sarcophagus
C: Did you get them?
S: Yes, my queen
C: (laughs and picks up an hourglass) Ah. Leave it to Tatman to always be on time
Cut to a mine shaft. Tatman lies on Cock Robin. Both are unconscious, but coming to
T: Cock Robin?! Are you okay?!
C.R.: Yes, but just get off me
T: Sorry!
C.R.: Tatman, what are these vapors?
T: By the smell, I would say we're in an old abandoned sulfur mine. With an Egyptian motif, apparently. (He picks up a skull) Poor Yorick, I knew him well. Judging from the orthodontia, I'd say the Purple Scoundrel. Wouldn't you?
C.R.: I'd say so
T: Poor devil
Tatman tosses the skull. A laser shoots from the mouth of a gargoyle on the wall, and the skull receives a blast in its eye socket. Tatman is taken aback
T: It appears that the floor is pressure sensitive. I saw this in Raiders of the Lost Ark. You see, when a foot falls on the floor, it creates a chain reaction. Look at these faces on the wall. You see, they emit laser beams. There's no way out of this. My Tatrope is back up there. What are we gonna do? We're going to have to run the gauntlet! Listen! I think I can recall the ancient Egyptian mathematical calculae formula according to Ptolemy. I may just be able to guess the random circuitry which will produce the laser beam. In other words, we can successfully navigate it. You're going to have to do a little bit of ballet. You're going to have to rely on your ballet training, Cock Robin. But I think we can make our way through this laser-beam minefield. But first, let's take off these capes. We may have to move like a tiger
Cock Robin wriggles and spins her way past the lasers as Tatman coaches. She arrives safely and cursorily looks for an on/off switch
C.R.: I can't find anything, Tatman, that'll deactivate the field. You'll have to run the gauntlet
Tatman clumsily runs the same obstacle course as we fade to black. Fade in on Cleopatra, enthroned in her hideout. Tatman and Cock Robin enter frame
C: Ah. Tatman and Cock Robin. Still in one piece, I see.
T: And just what is the meaning of this, Cleopatra?
C: You'll find out soon enough, Tatman
C.R.: Give it up, gilded goddess
C: Tatman, how do you tolerate this blonde bimbo's insipid chatter?
T: No, Cleopatra. Cock Robin is quite right. You may as well give it up. You don't want us to physically subdue you
C: Oh, Tatman. You know that I like it rough
T: Come now, Cleopatra. Let's not make this any harder than it has to be
Dr. Sarcophagus enters
S: Not so fast!
T: Dr. Sarcophagus! Quick! Run while you still can!
S: It is you who should be running, Tatman!
C: Dr. Sarcophagus, you don't know what you're saying. You must be under Cleopatra's spell
S: I know quite well what I am saying, Cock Robin, and now that I have the scrolls, I know quite well what I am doing, too. For you see, I've waited my whole life to get my hands on those scrolls, for contained within them, as prophecy tells us, is the recipe for an ancient Egyptian feast, which when consumed at precisely midnight of the fall equinox by the blood descendant of an Egyptian king or queen will bestow the powers of the mighty goddess, Isis
C: Sounds like you don't get out the museum enough, Dr. Sarcophagus
S: Our recipe calls for a blonde, Cock Robin
C: Who, me? Oh, this isn't my natural color. I mean, come on. Look at these roots
T: We'll stop your vile pyramid schemes nevertheless, you Egyptian fiends
S: Oh, don't feel left out, Tatman. I believe my queen has something very deliciously evil in mind for you
C: Mmmmm. Very deliciously evil
She nails our heroes with a quick blowgun. Tatman and Cock Robin collapse
Cut to a bedchamber. Tatman finds himself tied to Cleopatra's bed. She strokes his body with a whip as he slowly regains consciousness
C: Tatman? Did you dream of me? I can be your dream, you know, or your worst nightmare
T: Cleopatra! What do you intend to do with me, and what have you done with Cock Robin?
C: I'll ask all the questions around here, Tatman, although I will let you beg
T: Untie me, Cleopatra. Your crazy prophecy is never going to come true
C: Yes, it will, Tatman, and when it does, you'll be begging for the chance that you have now--the chance to rule the world, the universe, by my side
T: Chained at your feet, you mean
C: Oooh, I like your way better. Chained at my feet it is. Don't you see that we're perfect for each other? You see, I tie you up, and then you escape, and then you handcuff me, only for me to escape again. Don't you know why I always let you catch me? So then you can catch me again, you fool!
T: Cleo, I-I had no idea you felt this way
C: Course I do. Don't you see I have needs like everyone else. Even a supervillain queen needs someone to wipe away her tears at night. Cleopatra must have her Marc Antony. Won't you be mine, Tatman?
T: Cleo, I'm sorry; it's just that I'm a sworn crimefighter and all, and I get wrapped up in my work
C: So I'm just another criminal to you, then?! (She begins to sob)
T: No, no, no, Cleopatra, no. It's different. You're better. It's different with you than the others--than with Katarina and all the others. It's different with you. So please stop crying
C: You don't mean it!
T: Oh, yes, I do. There's no other supervillainess that I'd like to be tied up by and tortured and raped and etc. and so forth. No, listen, please: just untie me and I'll wipe away your tears. Please!
C: You mean it? You'll rule the world with me?
T: We'll talk about that. Honest. Just untie me. I can't bear to see you cry anymore. Please
C: Okay, Tatman. But if you trick me, you'll break my heart
T: I won't, Cleopatra. I never saw this side of you before. I had no idea you were so vulnerable
Cleo unties Tatman, who promptly flips and mounts her. Tables turned!
C: Tatman, you promised! You're just like all the rest!
T: I'm sorry, Cleopatra. This is for your own good. Now stop crying
Tatman wipes away Cleo's tears. Cut to Cock Robin, unconscious on a slab. Dr. Sarcophagus wraps her in bandages. She eventually wakes and struggles
S: That's it! Fight it, Cock Robin. Resist! Make those juices boil
C.R.: What are you doing to me, you weirdo?
S: I'm mummifying you in the holy herbal wraps, which will penetrate your skin and soak through right down to the bone. And then, once the herbs and spices have penetrated you, we'll rotisserie you over the sacred stew as the sands of your life tick away: tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. Ah! But your skin will remain so delicate and delicious and savory! But your body will remain the most succulent and tender of meats
C.R.: And who are you, the Egyptian groping gourmet?
S: Perhaps it's time we sealed that spicy tongue of yours!
Sarcophagus gags her. After a brief pause for station identification, we cut to Cock Robin, hogtied on a platter with an apple in her mouth. Sarcophagus and Cleo gloat
S: It's time for me to make the final preparations, my queen
C: I'm ready for the main course, now that I've had my little appetizer. The equinox is upon us! Rotisserie her!
Cut to Cock Robin tied to a pole over a cauldron. Dr. Sarcophagus adds herbs and spices
C: Tatman! Help me!
T: I help only the love of my life now, Cleopatra. Is there anything I can get you, my love?
C: Yes, my love slave. Why don't you go fetch me a glass of wine
T: Right away, my love
C.R.: Oh, no, you didn't! You touched her tears, didn't you?! Oh! You're worse than one of Godown's rookies. Oh great, just great!
C: Yes! (to Tatman) My bunions are killing me! Why don't you rub my feet?
Tatman does so, but then suddenly springs to his feet
T: Cock Robin!
C: Stop, my slave!
T: I'm nobody's slave and, lady, you need some odor eaters!
C: Quickly, Sarcophagus stop him!
But Tatman fells Dr. Sarcophagus with one sucker punch, and Cleopatra regally exits. Cut to catacombs leading into Cleo's hideout. Commissioner Godown appears at one end and collides with Tatman and Cock Robin dashing in from the other
T: Commissioner Godown, lo and behold! However did you find us here?
G: Oh, Tatman. I found a secret tunnel leading in from the museum. But where's Cleopatra?
C.R.: But didn't you see her in that tunnel?
G: Really, Cock Robin! Those catacombs go on for miles
C.R.: Really. We checked every inch of that museum, Commissioner. Or should I say "Cleopatra"?
Cock Robin tugs at Godown's obvious wig
T: Cock Robin!
G: Tatman! Don't believe her!
T: Well, Commissioner, you did seem to acquire a nice tan very quickly
C.R.: And you left this earring on in your haste to change, giving yourself away
G/C: Oh, Tatman. I knew only a rapier mind like yours could figure out my ruse. I just wanted you to catch me one last time, for ancient time's sake
T: Of course, Cleo. It's quite understandable. It happens all the time to a superhero of my stature. You know, we could have had an extraordinary relationship in law enforcement, but now look at you there down on your knees. There, there. Let me wipe the tear from your eye . . .
Cock Robin grabs his hand in mid-motion
C.R.: I don't think so. Come on, sister! Not this time!
They all exit. Tatman is the last to leave frame, and we pan down to reveal that same piece of toilet paper stuck to his heel
End credits
Sexy out-takes